snared soul

To my faithful readers,

2010-01-02T23:31:00.001-08:00

If you want to continue to hear more from me, it would be best to head over to:
http://nostalgicchildhood.blogspot.com/.
It's been up for a while and I don't know how I overlooked telling you about it. I truly am sorry for leaving you in the dust. I was starting something new in my life and felt that I should start a new blog. I am leaving this one up. Start from the first day please.
Thank you for your faithfulness.
I hope you have a wonderful New Year!
Kristi

Deaf Secrecy - traveling notebook

2009-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

I have an idea. I want to start a project, a giant one and I can't do it without your help. I want to start a traveling notebook for deaf teenagers all across the world.

It will be a place for your heartaches, your fears, your pain, your hopes, dreams, memories and secrets that will be shipped all across America and possibly across seas if anyone afar is interested.

And the best part? Everything you write will be completely anonymous. So don’t be afraid to spill your insides out all over the blank pages, because you don’t have to sign it.

This will be your outlet.

Write it, type it, draw it, glue and paste it on any page, in any order so it is all safe against guessing, and then send it off to the next city, the next state, the next country. Read the secrets of others, leave notes, underline, understand and feel it too.

In the end I will receive the notebook and scan the pages for all to see.

This is a project for everyone – I want you all to participate!

This is still in it’s planning stages as in how the notebook will get to you: whether I send it to you and you send it back for me to send to the next person OR I send it to the first person to send to the next in line. And I’m considering starting a small fund for ‘in case’ emergencies.

First I need to see just how many will be interested in joining this project. So please comment and shoot me a quick e-mail at deafteens@hotmail.com.

Please help spread the word about this project! The more, the better!

For more information: http://deafsecrecy.tumblr.com/

camp

2009-08-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

was amazing. I caught on with sign language quickly and learned to sign and speak at the same time. I made so many new friends and it was hard to leave them all. The 2 weeks blurred by so fast. I hiked a total 21 miles during camp. I discovered a new part of me. I opened up so much. I even danced!
When I first walked in I was near tears because everyone was signing and I didn't understand a word which was freaking me out. We walked into the main room and instead of the booming laughter and voices I was used to, it was silent. Everyone was signing. That was a huge eye-opener for me. Relived to hear that several of the girls in my cabin are oral and some are learning sign like me, I was relived. And the rest is history.
It was an amazing experience that I will never forget.

P.S. - I am so going back next year.

it feels like a truck is ramming agaist the side of my house

2009-07-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

but it's actually thunder.

i'm horrible with titles

2009-07-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

An away camp for two weeks. I'm nervous. I've never been away from home for over 5 days. Let alone surrounded by strange people I've never met before. I'm hoping to leave with some friends but I know in the beginning it's going to be painfully awkward. It always is.
And this camp is going to be mainly sign language. I don't sign. I know it a little though. I can only sign slowly. I'm afraid that it's going to be a massive disadvantage to me. That I'm going to be once again lurking outside the crowds of deaf kids signing too fast for me to comprehend. That would seriously kill me...

Gahh!

2009-06-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm a teenager. I'm raised in the hearing world. I do sometimes wish I could be hearing like the others. (Don't get me wrong, I know it was a hard decision for my parents and I'm extremely glad they took this route with the CI)

I'm with my friends laughing, then I suddenly miss something vital to the conversation. It all goes downhill so quickly that I just pull away from the crowd and lurk on the outside. Because of this always happening, I'm not very social anymore. I'd rather resort to the internet than my friends.

I don't feel 100% Deaf. Because I don't feel fully accepted into the deaf culture and I doubt that I ever will... considering the fact I have a CI and a good percentage of the deaf culture despise them.
I always forget that I'm deaf and pretend that I'm a normal hearing teenager. But when it comes to people and socializing there's a war going on in my head.

Just walk away.
But I want to talk to him, he looks like a decent guy.
No, you won't understand a word he says.
But...
Don't make a fool of yourself.

I feel like I'm stuck in between two worlds. A saying I know most of you are familiar with. I am more accepted into the hearing world though. So in the hearing world I am.

Lack of posts + end of crew season = ?
Why is it that crew inspires me to blog? To expose my day to the whole world? Why is it only crew? Is it just my rant blog? Well I guess I could just resort to a diary? Am I just seeking attention?

I don't like this blog anymore. I wanted it to become something to inspire others but it became my rant diary.
I don't like it.

I'm going to an away camp in 2 weeks for deaf teenagers. I'm excited/nervous. I have many hopes in what this camp will do for me... but few expectations makes room for less disappointment.

a leap of faith

2009-06-01T17:16:00.001-07:00

I can't jump with my CI on - it just flies off! Trampolines are great places to create static and get a major shock which could be somewhat dangerous for CI users. I cannot recall correctly but if we touch the area where our implant is the shock could basically break the implant inside your head. I don't want to get a third horrible experience with surgery so I'm pretty careful with static electricity.

9 more days of school!
Crew just ended yesterday and I had a blast! We all jumped/pushed others in the river. I was hesitant to be completely deaf around a whole crowd of teenagers but I couldn't resist to push someone in the water (and I knew that I would be pushed in in return) so off went the CI. And it wasn't that bad, thanks to my lip-reading skills!

Oh umm... my battery kind of died during a race yesterday and I was freaking out pretty bad. Heh. I never will learn.

stress + kittens

2009-05-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

This is my last week of crew and it's busy as heck. There's so many projects and papers due so soon and I only have so much time to work on them. Everyone in crew seems so up in spirits thus matching my mood.
12 days of school left. 9 days until I'm officially 15.
There defiantly is a lot more stress in school because of all the finals coming up (and I didn't even start studying yet) but once I'm at the boathouse I just de-stress.

Yesterday.
Yesterday was dreadful. I knew I was racing with JV again after school but what I didn't know was that they were going to put me in STROKE! What the flip?! They put a NOVICE in STROKE for a JV boat! Apparently they didn't have enough rowers and the only available stroke rower was me. I knew I couldn't row as fast as them so I told the coach that and he said I will be fine and just try my best.
I saw white caps before we went out (bad sign) and at the starting line there were pretty large waves. I was freaking out - how was I supposed to set the pace for a fast JV boat when the water was barely rowable?
We came in 4th out of 5 boats. I rowed horribly that day but I tried my best and that's enough for me.

I recall reading somewhere about someone who almost got run over in the parking lot by a car because she couldn't hear it. Being deaf certainly has it's dangers.
In the boathouse today, I was standing with a group of girls when suddenly someone was yanking my sleeve trying to drag me away. There was a boat coming up behind me (in crew the boats don't stop to avoid hitting you they just keep on walking and shouting at you to move [I actually did hear shouts but there's always people shouting so I didn't think much of it]). I quickly ducked and scurried away. That was way too close.

We recently got a new kitten, JJ, and he's a huge purrer. It amazes me how loud he purrs! Just uhh turn your monitor to it's side for the second picture ;)

from the moment I was born, I was dying.

2009-05-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

all is hinged on the education
and athletics.
none on the dying soul.
the heart beats
veins pulsate.
thoughts dodge,
legs pump beyond pain.
shouts of my name
echos fictional.
suck in the dying air of
four days worth of given time.
to confront or
go downhill?

the pictures I promised you all:

Home Regatta: JV Girls 8: I'm 4th seat.

Stotes Regatta: JV Girls 8: I'm 4th seat.

Saratoga Regatta: Novice Girls 4: I'm Stroke.

the ultimate torture machine

2009-05-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

The water was too rough so we went on a run then on the horrid torture machines. The ergs. We had to do 2000 meters on a consistent rate.
My cox was standing in front of me cheering me on and calling for power tens. I always find it distracting whenever someone tries to encourage me. On the erg I'm fully focused on breathing, pulling hard enough and trying to conserve enough energy to last the whole thing. When someone is shouting things at me I want to know what they are saying so I get sidetracked. Eventually I started to tune her out because it was all repetition. When I got to the last 500 meters a JV cox came over to cheer me on. By the time I was at my last 200 meters, nearly all the JV girls were surrounded around me screaming out my name and cheering me on. It was seriously weird and distracting! My mind was spinning and enthusiastic voices were babbling. It gave me such a weird/surreal feeling. I pulled harder at the last 100 meters which got some more excited babbles. When I finally finished I let myself fall off the erg onto the ground. I couldn't even stand up.
"Good job!" "You did really good!" said some novice/JV/Varsity/my coach. 'Thank you' I repeated with a tired grin. My time was 8:13. My goal is to do the 2000 below 8 minutes.
Comparison? My times were shorter than all the novice girls and most of the boys. Some of them beat me :P Some novice say that I did better than most of the JV girls and the only reason they were cheering for me is to get me in their boat. Way to try to ruin my pride that I finally proved myself to them!

Random: I love being able to open up and crack up some jokes. And I've been doing that a lot lately especially with the JV/Varsity. A week ago I would have never imagined even talking to them, let alone cracking up jokes!

last away race for the season

2009-05-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend was actually a good one. One of the novice girls decided to tag along with me as a alternate rower (turns out she was actually needed to row because someone was 'sick'), so the weekend wasn't as horrible as I was expecting it to be. Some of the JV girls are even starting to talk to me a little.
We were 35 seconds behind getting to the finals. The girl in front of me said 'Thanks (for rowing with us), you row really good!' after the race. I was shocked. The first time anyone thanked me! My mom also overheard the cox talking to her friend about how well they rowed the race, 'especially Kristi'. They said something about how I have a really good reach. What the flip?! Have overly-kind aliens taken over the world?
They are going to try to steal me for their next few races (including the Row for the Cure). The novice aren't going to be too happy about that since they are rowing too (I may be able to race in two boats as long as the scheduled times aren't too close together). But I'm extremely pleased that I proved myself and my abilities to the JV and that they were able to look past my hearing impairment when selecting someone to race in their boat.
I have no more away races for the season and no races next weekend...
ahh bliss!
(I pinky-promise to post pictures as soon as I can get them uploaded!)

i am just as good as a JV rower now

2009-05-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

JV today was... interesting (like I foreshadowed)!
They didn't really talk to me much so I simply didn't try to initiate a conversation with anyone. Instead I sat on a bench and waited for the coach. In fact I caught a couple of them whispering and glancing over at me, making it very clear they were talking about me. Being used to that I just ignored them.
Five o'clock finally came around and one of the coaches asked me what side I am (meaning starboard or port) I said that it doesn't matter. "I'm already liking you" he replied. I was assigned to seat 5 which I loved. We did a bunch of power strokes and I was able to easily keep in time with them. I liked the fast speed because it required more focus and energy from me. I do love to work hard (but only if I feel like doing it!).
The cox was female and had a good loud voice. I was able to understand most of her instructions but I did miss plenty of stuff.
After an hour of rowing we got the boat and oars in. "How did I do? Honestly." I asked the coach. "You actually did pretty good. You rowed better than 1/2 the girls because you had a good catch and back-splash that I'm still trying to teach some girls," he replied while smacking someone in the head with his bottle "I'm not saying any names!" and leaned over to smack the girl again.

Sweet! I'm practically as good as a JV rower now! But I know I can do better :)
That reminds me... today in gym we were rock climbing and I decided to climb even though I'm not a huge fan of heights. It was pretty scary and fun at the same time and I seemed to get a lot more attention after my feet hit the stable ground again. Proving myself to others helps them realize that I'm just like them... I just have a malfunction in my ears.

Anyways... when I told my mom about the JV not talking to me, she told me that one of the ladies there told my mom that the JV/Varsity girls were asking her questions about me like "How much can she hear?" and etc. I seriously hate it when people talk about me without me there, it's just another pet peeve of mine. But now I know that it's just they simply don't know me. I need to socialize with them a bit to inform them about me. sighs. I hate socializing.

Night.
PS- I have these HUGE blisters on my hand from rowing today. I never had so many blisters at once before! It's fascinating! lol

and May blurs through

2009-05-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

The weekend went by unbelievably slow yet as I look back it feels like a blur to me.

To summarize it all down - I found my first ever 4-leaf clover then we won (believe it or not) third place again! We were actually in the lead but since our coxswain tried to make us pull hard all throughout the race especially during the beginning we wore down quickly towards the end. We didn't go to the finals (which was the next day) because our times weren't good enough. I was actually relived... I don't think I can race two days in a row. I heard the guy shouting out the start of the race just fine. That was one of my biggest concerns. And a cox told my mom that I'm a really good stroke which is the best compliment I got that weekend.
I was also one of the first girls to wake up so no one pulled any pranks on me. But apparently a guy's face became a piece of artwork one night :D
It felt good having so much independence and having to step up and speak for myself.

I got the Blackberry Curve 8330 yesterday and it's pretty nifty piece of technology I must say!

I have another away race this weekend except we are leaving Thursday so I'm absent on Friday. This race is with JV and I'm in 4th seat. There's also a novice championship this Saturday that I'm most likely going to miss because I'm stuck with the JV which seriously sucks since they need to train a new stroke within 4 days if the weather decides to cooperate!

I spoke with the JV coach who is a really tall and young dude. And he tries to talk like a teenager by using all these very outdated words which actually does seem to make him look 'cool' and funny, not dorky at all. I kept asking him questions and he pulled me over to the side really quick to tell me that he talked to my parents during the last race and that they spoke about 'all that stuff' and in 4th seat there's a speaker right there to help me understand what the coxswain is saying. Dude... it's okay... you can say deaf without offending me in any way. And thank you for meaning well... but the speakers may not help too much. I really told him that I'm just worried because in 4th seat I'm the leader of the bow-4 and I may not hear the cox shout out commands to me. He said that the JV usually don't row in 4s but instead in 6s and with the full boat. Then he continued on to say that I'm in the middle because I'm novice and that's where I can do the most damage. WTF? Just please tell me straightforward that I'm a bad rower if that's what you are trying to tell me! He did say that since I'm tall, I'm stronger and the middle rowers are the powerhouse of the boat. Okay... I'll take that as a compliment.
So tomorrow and Wednesday I'm going to train with the JV. This should be interesting!

I also have another away race the weekend after next weekend. Oh my dear god. But May is the last month of crew! I believe it officially ends on the 31st. Sniff.
After that... it's all finals for school. Yippie-doo! Not.
Oh and Happy Late Mother's Day!
Goood Night!

Hearing vs. Understanding

2009-05-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

It was my mom's turn to drive all 5 of us home from crew. There was music playing on the radio and everyone was chattering away. I just tuned it all out instead of trying to sort through all the noise to pick up one of the conversations and follow it. One girl plugged her i-pod in so we could hear a couple of her favorite songs. At one point, my mom turned to me and said "Can you hear it?" I nodded. Yes I could hear it but I have no clue what is being said. I just hear the different pitches and tones of music. Same with the TV when the closed-captions isn't on. Same in a cafeteria, I just ignore the conversations because it gets too tiring and frustrating to try to catch up with everything my 'friends' whisper and gossip about. It's extremely exhausting!

Crew: The female coach is using the stupid megaphone over her mouth when talking to me on the water yesterday. I need to remind her again to just let me lip-read. But the guy coach today was talking to me with the megaphone and I was just staring at him then he took it down and said "Can you read my lips?" for he was a bit distant. I nodded and he proceeded to describe what it is that I needed to do. He's seriously the best coach ever!

Races: I have an away race this weekend. Friday through Sunday. I have to squeeze in packing, studying and sleep between crew and school tomorrow. Friday, a bus is picking us up right after school. Saturday, we race in the afternoon. Sunday, if we got in the top 3, we race again. Then back home.
I'm rooming with the girls in my boat and one girl is already looking forward to the challenge of waking me up early in the morning. I don't think I'm going to be getting any sleep :P
Oh and sometime next week I'm racing with the JV girls again. I wish they could at least show me some respect. They seem to think that they are doing me a favor when in fact I am! If I decide I don't want to go race with them... they don't have a boat since all the other novice girls downright refused to row with them. Last time I raced with them... they didn't even talk to me afterward. A 'good job' or something would have been nice but noooo.
'Life is never that easy.'

School: 5 more weeks left! Whoo!

Cellphone: I'm getting the Blackberry Curve 8330 soon (hopefully) after some complications are sorted out.
Good Night. I am utterly exhausted. (does that even make sense?)

Cell Phone Plans for the Deaf & Hard-of-Hearing

2009-05-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

- 90% of households in Japan, South Korea and urban China own cell phones
- 80% of Americans own cell phones
- 80% in Western Europe own cell phones
- 60% in Canada own cell phones

Cell phones are a common sight to be seen pressed against one's ear. Parents call them a privilege, not a necessity. Teenagers think otherwise. Business workers consider them to be their own holy grace. A lone driver stuck with a flat tire in the middle of the night will worship their cell phones as long as the battery doesn't die out on them.
Clearly cellphones have become part of million's lives, including the deaf/hard-of-hearing culture. Some deaf users can hold a conversation on the cell phone, but most of us prefer using texting, email, instant messaging and internet. It's not easy to find a plan that supports only these 4 things.

I recently lost my phone (I'm pretty sure someone stole it in crew) and I started looking for phones and plans that would be cheaper. I have a plan that has unlimited internet/texting with 400 minutes and it's pricey! I typed in cell phone plans with internet and texting only and I found a couple of good sites... including this.
I'm a sprint user and I found this site which is a list of phones that go along with the Sprint Relay Data Only plan. And that plan is unlimited everything but calling for $30 monthly! I never knew about this until yesterday! So hopefully I will soon have a new phone, a blackberry! with a much more cheaper plan.

the hands of a rower

2009-05-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

Friday: We won 3rd place. But we had two new girls in bow and the boat was not balanced at all. I know we could have done a lot better if we had the same two girls from the first race. At least we didn't get disqualified ;)

Saturday: I rowed 4th seat in the JV boat and we won 3rd place too. Before the race I had to wait 2 hours before my scull went on the water and all the JV/Varsity girls were pretty much ignoring me. They were playing telephone and told me to sit down with them. With nothing else to do... I sat down. But when the girl tried to whisper I told her to skip me. "Why?" she said almost aggressively. "Because I'm deaf" I stated back simply. 'Oh..." Her eyes flickered to my ears before leaning over to whisper to the girl next to me.

There was no other novice to hang out with because they were all sleeping in. Lucky! I was the only novice they chose to row in the girls-8 JV/Varsity scull. Why? I haven't got a clue. They actually had some other girls that could have taken my seat.

Finally it was time to race and it was pure panic for me. I had to really listen for the coxswain. (Thursday me and a friend went up to her to tell her that I was hard of hearing and she seemed to have a bit of an attitude) I got some of what she said but not all (big surprise).

For instance, at one point the girl turned around and said "Did you get that?" "Uhh... yea?" Suddenly all the girls go super-fast up and down their slides for a quick practice.
Holy crap is all I could think of while trying to catch up with them. They were so fast on their slides. At least 3 times faster than the novice.
Another issue is that I was 4th seat. I was leading the 3 girls behind me whenever the cox called for the bow 4. The only way that I knew I was supposed to row was the girl in front of me would slide all the way up her seat to give me room to row.
All I was doing is looking at every one's oars to make sure I'm not supposed to be doing anything specific.
And then when we actually raced.... once again, holy crap! They started off so freaking fast. I was more focused on trying to catch up with them than I was on pulling the oar as hard as I could. I wore myself out just trying to catch up with them. Oh. My. God. They were so fast! I'll say that again... THEY WERE SO FAST!
These were small girls too... all of them were at least a head shorter than me. I have long legs and arms so I could only go 1/2 way through the slide when they were going full slide with their short legs. I had to look at the oars and mine to make sure I was in time with them.
After the 1500 meters were rowed, no one spoke to me. I walked over to my family and they said I looked in time with them and that I did great.
Everyone (my family) kept saying that they wouldn't talk to me because they were jealous. I don't believe that.

Sunday: Mother's Day Party because next week I'm going to a big race that is all weekend (we're sleeping overnight at a hotel). And next weekend is mother's day... so yea!

Well that's my weekend for you!

all is going well

2009-04-28T17:26:00.001-07:00

Nothing interesting happened today. The water was too rough to row on so we all practiced our technique on the tanks then ergged for 10 minutes.
This Saturday I'm an alternate for the JV/Varsity race. Tomorrow is picture day for the crew team (I hate pictures!).
I have some pictures of my knee which is doing really well... no infection is revealing it's ugly face (yet!). The first picture was about 2 days ago when it started to scab over. Then the water from the river got to it so I put some iodine stuff on it and the flesh started to get soft and disintegrate a bit. The second shows how deep this cut really is. The last 3 were taken just today. It really is doing a lot better! And I'm thoroughly enjoying picking off the scabs :)

PS- I'm registering to go away to a deaf camp for 2 weeks this summer. Should be a lot of fun! I'm really looking forward to meeting others like myself.

it happened again...

2009-04-27T17:24:00.001-07:00

no I didn't injure my knee again...

I forgot to change my batteries before starting crew. I was holding the boat on the dock so it wouldn't drift away while waiting for the last few rowers to lock in their oars and out of nowhere I just remembered that I didn't change my batteries. I yelped out loud and asked the cox if I could go get fresh ones. She told me to be fast and I ran like giant fuzzy monsters were after me ;) My hands were trembling so much from excitement, fear of getting in trouble and feeling hurried that I could only find the battery that wasn't rechargeable (I usually have rechargeable and the regular three batteries-in-one with me at all times). I ran back to the dock and changed them. Relief washed over me.

Then just as we were pushing off the dock I heard the dreaded 4 beeps indicating that the batteries were dying. Gahh! They were dead already! I switch back to the rechargeable and turned them all the way down which made it difficult to listen to the coach. I had to keep reminding the cox to repeat what the coach was saying because I often found myself the only one left rowing whenever coach said "Let 'er run!". At once point I was supposed to stop and do something specific and I just kept rowing (and everyone behind me followed) and coach threw a hissy fit.
"Raise your hand if you can't hear me!" he shouted. I was just too annoyed&pissed off to raise my hand. DUH dude... you have a DEAF girl rowing STROKE! What else would you expect? Gosh.

The batteries lasted through most of the time on the water and just when the water was getting extremely choppy and we were turning around... they died out on me. Thankfully there was no specific instructions... just row to get us the heck off the water before the waves flip us over! I probably rowed best getting us back to dock than I did the whole day :/ I was seriously clueless about 1/2 the things I was supposed to be doing.

At that point the waves were splashing into the scull and soaking us all, including my knee which was bandaged and I could feel it start to sting a bit. We finally got back to the dock and I changed my batteries then searched through the first aid kit for anything to clean out my knee (the flesh was turning yellow!). I found some stuff and sat with the rest of the crew around the coaches. They were calling out the lineups for the next few upcoming races. I'm stroke in all of them! And about the race last Saturday... we were actually racing against JV/Varsity rowers! I thought it was other novice rowers but nope! Man we are so goooood :)

I have a race this Friday, right after school... and I'm starting to get worried about hearing the "ROW!" which indicates the start of the race. Ughh.

P.S.- 2 guy coxswains today got tossed into the water.... pretty funny but I kept my distance so I wouldn't get in trouble :D

we came in third but then got disqualified!

2009-04-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

Facts:

We only rowed the 4-boat once.
There was an injured stroke rower.
We had a really bad start.
We were in the wrong race so we got disqualified.

Result:

We won third place! But since we were disqualified the officials didn't mark us as winners.

There was a lot of stress before the race. It was pretty much all chaos for the girl's 4. First our lineup on the sheet was completely messed up, I was the coxswain and the cox was stroke! Coach told us to ignore it. Then 3 of our girls were assigned to row in the JV (junior varsity) just two days ago (because they didn't have enough rowers) and they practiced with the JV yesterday (hated it) and today they found out that right after rowing with the JV they would have to hop right into our 4-boat and race again right away. Long story short... they didn't have to row for the JV in then end. Thank god!

When it was finally our turn to get the boat in the water and row up to the starting line, we got really confused about where the heck we were supposed to go, there was supposed to be officials around telling us where to go but they were all at the finish line. Then finally a guy comes over and we can get in line. Turns out there was another boat with our number, 3. We didn't really think much of it. We are finally lined up and ready to start when another launch with an official comes up to us and asks "What school are you guys?" At the same moment another official shouts "GO!"
We were confused for a second then the cox starts screaming at us "Row! Guys start rowing!" It was all chaos at first then we finally managed to catch up and held strong at third place. I loved being stroke and my knee didn't bother me at all. We all agreed that we could have done a lot better if we started off better but we know we did really well considering we only rowed together once. Everyone came up to us and congratulated us. The official asked us that because we somehow got in the wrong race (the coaches were really disorganized so we are blaming them haha).

The novice boys in the 8-boat won first place in a JV race which is amazing considering 1/2 of the rowers just started this spring and they were competing against others who've been rowing for 2 years tops!
I have no pictures to share because my parents were just videotaping the whole race... but they focused on the wrong boat! Heh.

But as requested by Mog... I have some photos of my knee just taken today. Today it was doing a lot better! It's healing pretty quickly since I left it un-bandaged after the race (before the race it was just completely disgusting then when the air got to it it dried up and healed quicker). I didn't take any pictures of my knee when it first got injured but I should have to show exactly how deep it was. I have some more photos on my cell phone from a few days ago that are more gruesome but I cannot upload them for some reason. It was a pretty nasty fall! Just click on the photos for some really big images:

UPDATE:
I just emailed the picture to myself... remember I took it with my cellphone so it's not so good.

only time will tell

2009-04-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

I felt pathetic at crew today. Today was too windy to row so it was all stuff 'to keep us in shape!' They stretched and did some quick exercises and I couldn't do 1/2 of them because I was afraid to bend my knee. I've been keeping it stick-straight all day. Then they went on a run. I love to run, it feels good to stretch out my legs long and hard after being stuck in desks for 8 hours. I'm always ahead in the lead with a small group of other guys as the rest of the team lags behind.
But I was stuck at the boathouse today as I pathetically watched them get further away. Then Coach M had me keep track of another girl's times for her 2000 meter on the ergs. At the end she seriously looked like she was going to hurl but thankfully didn't! (Did you know some of the coaches around here encourage you to throw up?)
Then the runners started returning in groups and I ended up keeping track of some of their times too. Even as I was watching them drain themselves of all their energy, I wanted to join. I just can't stand by and do nothing. Then after the ergs 1/2 the team went to the tanks (indoor rowing machine where you actually row but in huge tubs of water) and the rest stayed on the ergs. I was aimlessly walking back and forth, inside and outside, watching them all sweat their butts off.
Then I had enough. I carefully sat on an empty erg and slowly started to try to bend my knee and stretch my leg out. I didn't feel any pain, just a lot of tightness in my leg. Soon enough I was able to erg like I could before but only slower on the slide to not injure my knee any further. My coach kept asking how my leg left and it actually felt better after getting stretched out. The head coach (the one from the swim test who shouted what are you deaf?) saw my knee as I was working on the ergs and asked what the heck happened. Coach M mumbled something to him (I can only assume it was about yesterday's events?) and then he said "Well Kristi may not be able to row this Saturday."

Keeping positive... I can now actually bend my knee only if I slowly stretch it out and he said I may not be able to row. Only time will tell.
Now for some much needed sleep......

there's a hole in my knee

2009-04-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Sooooo I have a deep cut in my knee. I'm starting to wonder if it needs some stitches but my dad will be the judge of that once he gets home with some fresh bandages (my mom refuses to look at it after my sister saw it and screeched "There's a hole in your knee!").

What happened? We were playing capture the flag (which is the best game EVER!) because the water got too rough and we had an extra hour left. I was getting practically everyone in jail who dared to cross to my side then I decided to go to the enemy's side. Two guys start going after me so I go in a full sprint. I'm about to get cornered so I run onto the pavement with gravel on it and try to make a sharp turn so I can blast off between them. Instead I fall on the gravel on my hands and knees. I stayed there for a full 5 seconds then got myself back up and ready to continue to dodge away from them. Everyone was shouting "Are you okay Kristi?" One of the guys who was chasing after me offers me a hand and I dodge away as if he was going to tag me in jail. I laughed when I realized it was to help me up and shouted out "I'm fine!" with my hands up in the air. And really my knee didn't hurt at all. It just felt numb. I start to stalk to one of my teammates stuck in jail once the two chasers turned their backs away from me. Then my knee started to hurt a lot. I inspect my dirt-covered knee closer and realize it's a deeper cut than I thought it was (I'm sparing you a lot of details here! hehe). I walk off to coach "Ohh yea that's pretty deep!" He calls everyone in and tells me to wash it in the shower. The girls started to freak out as I was sitting on the bench waiting for coach to get some bandages. I was the only one calm which was pretty ironic. Long story short... I'm home and waiting for the fresh bandages. I really hope it doesn't affect me too much because I have a race in 3 days!
We rowed in the 4-boat today with me in stroke and it went great! I adjusted to the port side quicker than I thought I would so it was going really well. The 4-boat was pretty tippy but we all loved it because we could cooperate much better. I really hope I can row tomorrow and Friday so I can train a bit more for the race.
It's only typical of me to get a hole in my knee 3 days before a race :P

UPDATE: Dad says I may not be able to race Saturday which is freaking me out. I need to race! I want to! My boat will need to get a new stroke if I can't row which will be a guarantee of losing with the date so close to the race. But there's always other races... Also my dad said there's going to be a big scar. Mom asked if the doctor could stitch it up "No there's nothing to sew up" "You mean a piece is missing?!" my mom replied. "Yea and that's going to leave a big scar unless we do plastic surgery on it." "I'm not having plastic put in me!" I protested. I never liked the idea of plastic in anyone - it's just not... normal. But I'm actually starting to think about it after taking a shower and seeing the huge scar it could possibility become. But it's part of me... scars and all. There's also a piece of my flesh back at the boathouse... I kind of want to see if I can find it tomorrow haha. I'm weird, I know :)

A quote I found that a doctor once said:

"Expect the worst; hope for the best."

And that's all I can do for now.

stroke is on the opposite side.

2009-04-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

Stroke was interesting today. I loved timing myself and being the leader of the whole boat. But it was hard for me to adjust from starboard to port side (the oars are on opposite sides). I kept turning my blade with the wrong hand and leaning to the starboard side when I was supposed to be leaning to port. Plus every time I would try to catch the water either I would end up rowing air or digging too deep and tipping the boat. Now I know why everyone hates switching to the oppostie side!

I loved being right in front of the cox because I could just read her lips and whenever I got confused about something I could just ask her - talk about convenience :D

After putting the boat and oars away I talked asked Coach K. if I was doing something wrong because I could barely row normally today and he said that I'm doing really well, it's just that I'm so used to starboard and I just need to adjust over to port. Hopefully it will become easier soon... because I'm rowing stroke for the race this Saturday! Stroke! in a race! this Saturday! in a 4-boat! that I have never even rowed in yet! eeep! "Just remember slow slide and quick hands!" was the advice of one girl. She was right behind me and told me I was doing really well with the timing. I just need to shift myself over to port and I will hopefully be good to go for the race.

Hopefully!

CI Questions (Mog)

2009-04-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

These are all the questions that Mog asked on her blog, with my replies added in.
Will it hurt?
It didn't hurt me... I was completely numb. But it did feel a bit tender after the bandages were removed.
How much will it hurt?
You will be numb so don't worry about the pain! But do beware of headaches and prepare to have to sleep on only one side for a while because the new ear is too tender to sleep on.
Will I get a droopy face?
That will depend on how your body reacts... during the first surgery my face swelled up so much that my eyes were almonds but I didn't notice until I saw the pictures... which weren't pretty! Haha
Will I get a funny taste sensation?
Will I get vertigo?
Will I get more or less tinnitus?
All above depends again....
Will I get flowers? and chocolate?
The more people you tell about your surgery... the more flowers and chocolate that will be going your way!
Will the bruise be interesting?
What bruise? The incision line will always be there, feeling like baby skin.
Will I hear better, and when?
It depends...
Will the sounds be electronic forever?
I didn't even think the sounds sounded electronic at all.
When do they change to normal?
Once you get used to the sounds.
What if I don't like it?
You will get used to it :) Just switch to your hearing aid for a day to take a break!
Will it be too noisy?
One of the perks about being deaf... turn it right off!
Will I be able to get used to it?
Yes you will, if you dedicate yourself. I'm not used to my left CI yet but that's because I'm not wearing it as often as I should be. I don't really want to wear it for some reason...
Will everyone sound the same?
At first it was a bit hard to distinguish between certain people but the more I got used to the sound, the better I got.
Will I hear accents?
I can sort of hear them... but I mostly lip-read them.
Will I hear in Canadian now?
Maybe!
What will I hear at activation?
Whatever noise that is happening at the moment it's turned on. My first activation was pretty bad. My mom (who is a pretty loud person) was laughing for some reason and it was SO loud that I just burst in tears. But as I winced for a boom of sound at the second activation, it was a lot quieter until someone piped up "Can you hear me?"
When will I hear music?
Depends on how long it takes for you to get used to it. It was raining when we were driving back from first activation and I was so surprised to be able to hear the rain so clearly. Then later I was picking a flower apart and I actually heard it crinkling! It was a thrilling experience for me!
Will I ever hear music?
Yes I think so.
Will the cats sound electronic?
I don't know, it will depend once again. But the electronic sound should ease off after a while.
Will being able to hear mean that I burn fewer meals?
I can hear the beeping form the oven if I'm at a certain distance away but I usually just let someone take the food out. Until I realize that my mom asked me to take the food out... opps!
If everyone sounds like a chipmunk what will a chipmunk sound like?
I didn't think anyone sounded like a chipmunk... but good question there!

proof that coaches are just messed up in the head

2009-04-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today was all rain and wind and fortunately the wind died down as we got to the boathouse so we went out on the water. We took down the 4-seat boat for us to start training in but turns out it didn't have seats and Coach M (the woman) didn't even bother to look for them. We put the boat back up and pulled out the 2 8-seat boats. Note: We have a race this Saturday which includes the 4-seat girls, 8-seat mix and 8-seat boys. None of the girls have never been in the 4-seat boat yet and the 4 boat is actually supposed to be harder to row!

We were all in our assigned seats for the race.The girl in front of my has a sprained wrist and ignoring that... the coaches decided to put her in stroke seat (the seat that sets the pace for the whole boat) for the race. She couldn't row on full pressure for too long.
So we dropped her off on the dock and plopped a different girl from the back to take her place. The girl had absolutely no pace/rhythm, she was so irregular that it was nearly impossible for me to follow her without ramming into her back or having someone ram into mine.

P.S.- The boy behind me rows so freaking fast that he is never in time with us all, and the poor girl behind him (who was used to being in the back) is trying to follow me but ends up ramming into him.

Yes we are an absolute total mess. We would row better if the coaches actually put us all in seats where we all do best! But no they just messed us all up. And look what happened :P There's going to be a little rebellion going on with some of the girls tomorrow... so it should be interesting :)

You know how when you want something and your mom says no so you go ask your dad (and he usually says yes)?
Well I was getting frustrated with the random stroke rowers who can't keep a good pace so I started to say "I want to try out stroke seat" the girl with the sprained wrist (who is assigned to stroke) jumped at me and said "You want to switch?!" "Sure!" She ran off to ask Coach M and came back with an angry face. Coach M told her "We'll see" and offended her by saying she wasn't good on the starboard side even though she felt more comfortable there.

So we went to Coach K (guy) and told him we wanted to switch seats. The sprained wrist girl said she's awful at stroke and I added "and I want to try out stroke." He nodded his head and said "We'll see tomorrow." I'm taking that as a yes (:

You see in stroke seat, I'm right in front of the cox so I can actually read his/her lips instead of listening out for commands or peeping over stroke's shoulder. And even though I would be the leader of everyone, the cox can just tell me whatever it is I need to do. Plus, during the races I would actually be able to hear when they shout out "Full Pressure" or to ease down a bit. The race I did in last fall was extremely exhausting for me for I was doing full pressure the whole time because I couldn't hear the cox.

I think I can conclude this rant with this: stroke would be the best seat for me and everyone else needs to get back to the seats they do best in.

Report Cards came out...

2009-04-18T11:11:00.001-07:00

And all is good :) which is a huge relief for me because I was getting really worried after crew stole away all my free time for studying and homework. The lowest was 88 for Algebra and the highest 99 in English. Since none of my averages are below 85, I'm on the principle's list (which is for students smarter than the honor roll) for the 3rd time in a row this year.
I just love watching people's reactions at the grades I get. They tend to automatically connect my 'disability' with failing grades when I'm actually get better grades than them. Pftt... that's what happens when you judge before you think!

Pronouncing cox?

2009-04-16T17:30:00.001-07:00

So today we were assigned our seats for the several races coming up. I'm in 7th seat in two boats; the mixed 8 (boys and girls) and girls 4! Whoo - 7th seat! There was only two girls assigned to two boats (including me) so I guess that means I'm one of the better rowers? Nice :)

Since it was too windy to row today, we replaced the broken speakers with fresh ones so we finally have working speakers :) Then we sort of had a water fight with our water bottles :D Today was a good day indeed.

But one thing still confuses me.... I was sitting on the ground with some of the other rowers and this girl was laughing with a couple of guys and shouts out "Right Kristi?" My head snatched up "Wait what?" She quickly told me of the time when I angrily shouted "I hate him!" "Who?" she asked. "The cox!" Then they all start laughing after the quick story.
What? Why was that so funny? A little after after the guys wandered off, our eyes met and she started chuckling. I grinned and said "I don't get it... why was that so funny?" So apparently I said cox wrong.... I don't know how you are really supposed to say it. For a moment I thought she said coxswain but I can barely hear the swain part... I just say cox. Maybe I didn't say my x right? Did I make my x a k? Haha no wonder they were laughing then :P According to the online dictionary... this is how I'm supposed to pronounce it \ˈkäks\ and that's how I've been saying it!

Well off to the shower and bed once again. Tomorrow is supposed to be 70F! I'm going to get a nice sunburn on the river... yeow.

the never ending four-lane highway

2009-04-15T18:13:00.001-07:00

I'm printing out a blank map of China for me to study from for a geography quiz tomorrow as I type this. This week is the first week of the 4th marking quarter... and I want to get off with a good start. I did start to slack off a bit at the end of 3rd quarter because I was trying to balance crew and school. So I need to push myself away from the oh-so addicting Internet and focus more on my schoolwork which mean less time for blogging :( I'll try to update more on my twitter for those of you who are actually interested in what I am doing.

Crew is going well. The lady coach is still trying to stick me way in the back and I told her today that "It's hard for me to understand what the cox is saying when I'm in the back" and she said something about the cox boxes (microphones) being broken. I think she meant that no one else can hear so it's no just me who doesn't understand the cox. I was getting annoyed with her (I have no patience with her anymore) so I just said "Okay then" then ran off to get the oars out. The guy coach keeps me in the front so he's my favorite :) Today the river was very choppy and we had a pretty good workout and splashdown :P
Remember the coach from the swim test who yelled 'What are you deaf'? Well yesterday I just carried my boat in and I was walking back to the dock and that coach called my name. I was shocked that he even knew my name so I said "Who me?" "Yea you, come here" He told me that a girl hurt her ankle or something and told me to take her spot (I usually can never understand this guy... but he spoke in a more careful and clear way that I understood every word without feeling like anyone was trying to make an idiot out of me). I obeyed and helped carry that boat back into the boathouse. "Good job" he told me when I was just walking into the boathouse. Maybe he's not so bad after all... or maybe somebody informed him that there is indeed someone deaf on the crew team. One of the varsity girls even talked to me a bit and another smiled. Somebody broke the ice here...

Okay... really need to go shower and get some sleep in my system. I feel like my life is starting to become a never ending (or stopping) four-lane highway.

digging for gold

2009-04-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today I hung out with Poppy (the black fuzzball) and my neighbor's two horses. I love interacting with the horses because they are young and bit skittish (not to mention nippy) so it gives me a chance to read their body behavior and just bond with them a bit. With Poppy I just plopped myself on a pile of sand and watched him dig for gold. Proof that he's a maniac (and that I sound awful laughing; sorry the video came out sideways for some reason!):

I've been have some issues with my CI lately... just the volume switching around by itself. If there's a loud noise (like the vacuum) suddenly my CI is lower than usual. It's getting annoying especially when I'm talking to people. Anyone experienced something like this?

I just don't get it....

2009-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

Can anyone enlighten me with what this is supposed to mean? Saving up for hearing aids or something? Weird.
By the way... I'm home now. Niagara Falls was pretty awesome.

the world will end when dinosaurs eat the moon

2009-04-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

Strange land here I must say... the frosty arctic winds of a true northern country, the shops of the Ocean City boardwalk, the landscape of flat Florida, the lights of New York City and the traffic of none and of course the waterfall of 4 out of 5 of the Great Lakes.

I took as many pictures as a mom would take of her newborn baby... now that should tell you something :) Niagara Falls is truly a sight. Listening to the thundering roar and watching all the water pour down is memorizing. When I close my eyes I can see all the water crashing into the bottom and the mist rising into the air. Here's a slide show of some of my best shots:

If you really want to encourage me then avoid screaming in my ear.

2009-04-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Crew was held at a collage's rowing room today because it was supposed to be pouring. There was several ergs lined up and we were stuck working on them for 2 hours. It gets pretty exhausting trying to keep your split and rates consistent but I'm always trying to push myself and keep on going.
(I need to get this straight... I have 2 coaches - one funny guy and a really mean woman). The woman was walking around and screaming her head off. "Come on guys! Keep your splits! Bring your rates up!" It was supposed to be in an encouraging way but her tone and volume said otherwise. When I was younger I used to have some friends scream as loud as they can into my hearing aids and I would amaze them by not even flinching. This woman made me flinch so much whenever she walked past me and I was on the verge of screaming "SHUT UP!" I just cursed under my breath instead of taking the risk of getting 50 push-ups.
She especially loved screaming at me today. She sat on the empty erg next to me and looked at my rates and split times and would screech into my ear (in this case the one with the CI) every time I went off by one stinking number. She told me I needed to focus. What the hell? How am I supposed to focus with you screaming in my ear? Just give me some time and I will get myself back in the rhythm.
Before any of you jump on me for not telling her to stop screaming - she screamed at everyone. The girl in front of me got the same treatment I did. She screamed across the room. China probably heard her screeching at us.

So now I'm in a pretty cranky mood because of her.
I'm now trying to pack for the trip tomorrow. A 7 hour trip in a car with a younger sibling. And at 6:00 in the morning -- yea I'm just going to sleep all throughout (:

Ice and Donuts

2009-04-06T06:51:00.000-07:00

I went ice skating with 3 of my friends today and I admit I had fun (: We went to Dunkin Donuts afterward for some hot hot chocolate and donuts.Then I was dropped off at crew. The mom who dropped me off had an extremely heavy accent. A Japanese one. I'm always saying "What?" whenever she talks to me but she's a pretty funny lady so I try to make sense come out of her. I can only catch certain words and my mind automatically connects them so I understand. This is how I listen to basically anyone who I can't comprehend too well. I do have luck on my side because I always seem to catch the most important bits.
Then I shot some more pictures of my friends jumping to waste some time since we were 45 minutes early. They went home and I waited another 15 minutes. Finally other people appeared and we got the launches and oars out. Then we carried out the boat into the water. I rowed the entire 2 hours again.
For some reason I noticed how well I can hear today. I was staring at the back of the rower in front of me while trying to excel everything in my strokes and I just randomly realized I could hear what the coach said without lip-reading. Only if I was prepared though. When I'm not I completely miss what is being said.

Wow -- I'm currently looking at youtube for some reason and I found this deaf guy who signs a lot of songs in ASL - he's already been a huge inspiration for me. One of my favorite videos...
Man I wish I could sign like that... I just end up finger spelling a lot :)

Terminology

2009-04-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well since I'm pretty much obsessed with crew and I tend to talk about it a lot, I thought I would spare you all from Googling up what the heck I'm talking about.
So here's my own personal list of crew terminology:

Crew:
1. The team that rows a racing shell: varsity crew.
2. The sport of racing with racing shells: He went out for crew in his freshman year.
3. A team of rowers, as of a racing shell.
4. The sport of rowing.
Rigger: The device that connects the oarlock to the shell and is bolted to the body of the shell.
Shell: the modern crew boats and for a team of 8 the shells are about 60 feet long - that‘s 20 yards of a football field.
Seat: The sliding seat that the rower sits on. The term "seat" also refers to the rowers' place in the boat. The person closest to the bow (front) of the boat is 'bow' and the next is 2, followed by 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and finally 8 or "stroke."
Bow: the forward end of the shell.
Stern: the rear end of the shell.
The Stroke: the rower seated nearest to the stern and cox. They carry the responsibility for setting the stroke length and timing for the whole boat.
Stern Pair: the 2 seats (stern and 7) closest to the stern of the shell.
Bow Pair: the 2 seats (bow and 2) closest to the bow of the shell.
Stern Four: the 4 seats (stern, 7, 6, 5) closest to the stern of the shell. Stern typically leads the four rowers.
Bow four: the 4 seats (4, 3, 2, bow) closest to the bow of the shell. Seat 4 typically leads the four rowers.
Starboard: the left side of the boat when facing the stern.
Port: the right side of the boat when facing the stern.
Feathering: The turning of the oar blade from a position perpendicular to the surface of the water to a position parallel to the water.
Coxswain (cox): The person who steers the shell, shouts out commands and urges the rowers on. Sits in front of stern seat facing all 8 rowers.
Erg: a cruel device used to torture all rowers. A.K.A. - rowing machine that closely simulates rowing in the boat.
Split time: Projected amount of time it would take to row 500 meters at this specific power at this specific pace. Calculated by erg monitors.

To hopefully clear up any further confusion... all the rowers are facing backwards -- the direction the boat is going is behind them. Only the coxswain is facing forward. Here's 2 diagrams to help you visualize:

<-- <-- <-- <--Direction of Travel <-- <-- <-- <--

I am currently in 7th seat, part of the Stern Pair/Four. If you have any further questions about specific terminology or anything else... don't hesitate to shoot me a comment or email!
This list will be constantly updated so do check back every now and then.

Here's a comment I posted on a group on facebook about what your hobbies are:

Sort of a late reply but I'm a rower. It defiantly has it's own frustrations and perks. One frustration I'm currently dealing with is trying to understand what my cox (person who shouts out commands) is screaming about. I can't read his lips because there's a head in my way and if I lean around I end up tipping the whole boat so I need to push my limited hearing a bit further. And another that I will always struggle with is excelling my strokes while trying to lip-read my coach. Life is never easy for anyone but it's the strongest ones who keep trying and believing.
So never give up, ever - because you are one of the strongest people in the world.

let's just get this straight...

2009-04-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

I was born deaf and the reason why is still unknown.

I know very little sign language.

I have 2 magnets behind my ears in my skull and connecting to them (mostly hidden in my hair) are devices called Cochlear Implants (I only wear my right side currently). For more information check this out.

What they did to me? Basically shaved a portion of my hair away, cut my ear open and fiddled around in my ear's innards by placing a wire in my head and drilled a bit of my skull away to screw in a magnet and sewed me back shut. I got my left side done in 8th grade and my hair is still growing out. There is 2 lines of scarred skin hidden in my mass of hair behind my ears - It feels like a baby's skin :)

I am a lip-reader.

I consider myself as a 'normal' human being, just one with a bit of a hearing loss. After no one is perfect.

I don't let this 'disability' of mine drag me down instead it drives me forward into such a state of determination that I nearly never give up.

It's part of who I am and it's the reason for what I am now.

If you don't like me and my way of living my life then simply don't talk to me. No need to insult.

I am not 'deaf-and-dumb'. FYI: an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years. i am neither. (proof? look at the principle's list)

I despise it whenever one talks to me extremely slowly or whenever they over exaggerate their lip movements.

I know they are (mostly) trying to help me understand them better but doing such things actually makes it HARDER for me to understand and it offends me because it feels like they are purposely trying to make me like an idiot.

Just talk to me like you would with anyone else - but slow down a bit if you are a fast talker and raise your voice a tiny bit it you are a mumbler/quiet person ;)

I constantly say "What?" all throughout the day- It's my word ;)

There's no need to raise your voice to a scream when talking to me - you just will simply get the treatment back.

If you want to get my attention just poke me in the side - don't call for me in a quiet voice or you may not get a response (but i sometimes do it on purpose because I think it's funny :D).

I'm always open to listening to problems and giving advice from my own personal experiences... I just need you to be there for me too.

I'm extremely quiet in class because I don't like going through the stress of trying to figure out what one is saying and getting embarrassed and put down (it's happened way more than once.)

If I say 'What?' don't balk away from me - just simply repeat.

I tend to get pretty chatty once I get used to your voice.

I hate feeling embarrassed - I will do anything to avoid it.

I'm still learning to accept myself fully for who I am, thanks to extremely rude people from the past who found pleasure in tearing me apart.

I am also struggling to regain my voice - one that has been silenced by shame and the lack of self-confidence but no longer.

I will answer any questions you have about me and my deafness -as silly as that may sound... it's true-

I'm planning on posting that on my facebook/myspace. What do you guys think? This is basically a huge step for me because I'm usually not so open about my Cochlear Implant and deafness but I want to change that.

Home Sweet Home

2009-04-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

on seventh seat that is. Coach put me back in 7th seat today and everything suddenly became so much easier being back in the stern pair and following the lead of the same boy from Fall last year. I was one seat away from the cox yet his mumbles are still difficult to make sense of. But since the guy in front of me sort of knew me he would say my name whenever I was supposed to be doing something or when coach told us, the stern pair, to row. Sometimes I just want to hug him because he saves me from a whole heck of a lot of embarrassment! Heh :)
Today I rowed in the rain and I thought it was quite fun for I love rain and lighting. I rowed nearly perfectly in unison with stroke... I really hope I can stay up front. I even took this quiz on facebook "what seat are you?" and guess what the result was? Stern Pair!

You are the keepers of the beat. The choosers of the pace. The leaders. Everyone follows you. You usually have the best form and are the most focused. Alot of times you have more experience then everyone else.

I'm telling you... I was born to row in this seat :D I need to talk to coach on Monday about staying in 7th.
Meanwhile - I'm exhausted so g'night.

"Well you picked the wrong sport"

2009-04-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

is what my teacher of the deaf told me today. I was explaining my dilemma to her about not understanding my coach and cox, even she couldn't come up with an idea to help me so looks like I'm on my own (even my dad couldn't think of anything but hand signals - I will have to think about that). But I'm not giving up - I love this sport and I will manage.

If I could survive through today then I'm pretty sure I can survive any other day. You see... I forgot to change my batteries today. I use the rechargeable ones that only last 8 hours and I'm supposed to change them before crew so they don't die out on me. But I forgot today because I kinda fell asleep on the bus to the boathouse (I was exhausted!). I was the second group to go out on the river (it was absolutely gorgeous out) and was doing pretty well in 4th seat (yes I got moved back ANOTHER seat!) until I heard the 4 beeps indicating that the batteries are dying. I immediately lowered the volume to the lowest it could go to conserve energy but it still didn't last too long. Here I am... stuck on a boat in the middle of a huge river completely deaf and I'm supposed to be obeying the coach and cox's commands. Boy did I freak. I was already having a bad day before this and now this. Luckily the boy in front of me was already repeating the cox's mumbles over his shoulder to everyone behind him.

I was able to read the half of his face and lead everyone behind me. Lead? you say. Yes lead - you see there's 8 rowers on the boat and usually we are divided in half so I had to lead everyone behind me for I was stuck in the middle. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the oars behind me stop opps... I'm supposed to stop now? so I stopped too. I noticed coach (we had the female coach today) was looking at me with the megaphone over her mouth. Ugh I need to destroy that megaphone. Then she nodded her head then shook it in an over exaggerating way, here we go again, wanting me to reply. Huh? I made a face and the kid in front of me started talking to me. He had to repeat like 3 times before I got it... I needed to use less power in my strokes. Oh... right... Heh.

Then coach pointed to her ears and I was able to catch her lips... "You can't hear me?" Relief and embarrassment flooded through me. I shook my head and she just nodded her head "Oh ok... that's okay!" I was so freaked and stressed out and I did end up biting back tears of frustration and exhaustion. I just wanted to go home and forget today. She only gave me one more command to lead the 3 behind me then the rest was up to the bow and stroke pairs to dock us. Finally I was on land but I still had to help pick up the 60-feet long boat out of the water and carry it into the boathouse. When I was finally done I changed my battery.

Ahh... sound again. Finally. I quickly apologized and explained fully to the coach that my batteries died. She said it was fine and that she was just trying to figure out what was going on. Then I continued to tell her that when talking directly to me to take the megaphone down so I can read her lips. Oh how I hate repeating things.

That was way too much stress for me... this is the second time I was caught out on the water with no hearing at all! I can't forget ever again! Too. Much. Stress.

And apparently no one fell in the river - it was an april fool's joke but no one bothered to tell me that. Way to top off my day >:0

One more day then spring break... finally!

I'm not call you crazy but...

2009-04-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well if you are not calling me crazy doc then don't keep repeating that! The doctor was slightly worried about my wheezing but when I told her that I tend to sigh a lot in general then she said it might be physiological. She asked me if I have a lot of stress and I do with crew and friends not really being good friends. And she said something about how when you are under stress you tend to think about your breathing which makes it harder sometimes. She went on and on saying "I'm not calling you crazy but...". I think she thought I was crazy.

But she did have some good stuff about how anyone who has a disability tends to always push themselves further to prove to themselves (and others) that they are just as good (and even better) as anyone else. I know that I'm like that all the time.
The doctor listened to my lungs and said it's all clear and that I have "quite a heartbeat. Are you an athlete?"
"Uhh yea?"
"Well you have a good, strong heart."
I still don't consider myself as an athlete for some reason.
Then I got a chest x-ray (which I absolutely truly hate - I'd rather get a shot!). She gave me an inhaler thing and told me to take two puffs 20-15 minutes before a strenuous activity and if that doesn't seem to help then I'll go see a different doctor to see what's really going on. I tried the thing today and I didn't have too much difficulty breathing. But we didn't really do anything too 'strenuous' and I was now focusing on not thinking about breathing and trying to just let my body take over the breathing (that came out weird... but you get the point haha).

We went back out on the river today and it was drizzling pretty much the entire time. My back got soaked. I was in 5th seat again but it wasn't as bad since the sun wasn't out. But coach used his megaphone again. So I talked to him at the end of practice "Hey coach whenever you are talking directly to me can you just take the megaphone down because I read lips more." I'm starting to find that it's nearly impossible for me to just listen to him without reading lips because of all the sounds on the boat. Seats sliding up and down, oars splashing into the water and etc. I'm going ask him if he's planning on keeping me in 5th seat because I'm worried about hearing the cox... our first race is on the 19th so yea.

And apparently someone fell in the river today but I totally missed it!
Haha :D

p.s. - Happy April Fool's Day! I didn't get tricked, no one even tried! Not sure if that's a good thing or not...

2009-03-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

I went out on the river today! I was a bit rusty at first but caught right up. I'm usually in 7th seat (which is 1 seat away from the cox [the person who shouts out the commands]) but today coach put me in seat 5 ( 3 seats away) and I couldn't understand anything the cox was saying because he was so quiet. I was starting to panic but thankfully coach was the one mostly talking so it was easier to understand.... until he took out his stupid megaphone and decided to sit in front of the sun. I rely on lip-reading probably 95% of the time both on water and land. So I was forced to have to listen to his commands and squint into the sun to try to read his lips. I managed to do pretty well by following the three humans in front of me but I must say that the girl in front of my was terrible and I could have totally done better than the dude who took my spot :P A few angry shouts were directed towards me but not too many because there were other rowers far worse off than me. Thankfully :)
I was going to talk to coach and ask him that when he is talking to me directly to take the megaphone down so I can read his lips and to try to avoid sitting in front of the sun. But after doing 25 push-ups for one rigger lock being left open... I completely forgot. I have really bad memory :D
A strange thing today... after working on the ergs I heard the cox shout out something that I didn't catch (because of his stupidly quiet voice) so I just followed everyone into the boathouse to see what it was we needed to do and this Varsity dude starts talking so I quickly read his lips "Wipe down your seat and handle bar." He was looking straight into my eyes so he was apparently talking to me. I just nodded 'ohh-kay'. How did he know I didn't catch the cox's mumbles? Weird. *shrugs*
Spring break - I should be fine going on vacation because apparently I'm only a novice and just learning how to master the art of rowing (sarcasm) so it's no biggie. But when I'm a JV or Varsity I have to "Be Prepared" to pay back :/
Off to bed now - need to get 9 hours of sleep or I will collapse from exhaustion tomorrow (I could barely stay awake in global and algebra today). That reminds me I'm leaving school early to go to the doctors. Yay! Then crew (it's supposed to be the coldest day of the week and raining - not such a good thing).

so salty...

2009-03-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today was exhausting. I got seven hours of sleep and the coaches enjoyed watching us suffer in pain. I have a hard time breathing now a days; I start wheezing and I can feel my lungs constricting and refusing to take in enough oxygen. It gets pretty scary sometimes and once I nearly fainted. During Fall crew I could run up and down this steep hill really easily but now I have to stop a couple times to get myself breathing again. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday to see what's going on (I have a feeling it's asthma-related for my sister has it).
Tomorrow is supposed to be the nicest day of the week so hopefully I'm going out on the river :)
Another awkward moment today... girl was telling others "Oh my gosh today my ear like went deaf! This girl was talking to me and I was like 'Are you talking to me?' It was so weird! Oh I'm not talking about you." You could defiantly feel a bit of awkwardness but the girl was just so carefree that she moved right on to another subject - I honestly thought it was pretty funny. I know; I have a weird sense of humor. Anyways must go -- another busy week. I just hope there's no crew during spring break because I'm going to Niagara Falls and can possibly lose a seat on the boat if I miss a lot.
*Yawns* Nighters.

I should be working on my bio project now...

2009-03-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

But I just had to show you two more pictures - I'm getting the hand of this whole photography thing (:

the unknownkeeping strong

I'm starting off a new week of school with a test that I haven't exactly studied for just yet... this should be an interesting week. But after this week I have 5 + 1 days off for spring break! Woot woot!

photography

2009-03-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

This is the only thing that keeps you from going on.

There's always a rainbow somewhere.

Spring as decided to reveal her face.My first race - such an amazing experience.

If you would like to see more of my photographs... check out my flickr account!
Meanwhile: today's crew wash had pretty darn good pizza! I ate 3 slices :D (but there was, unfortunately, no water fights; just soapy sponge ones) I first dried the cars off then I got bored so I went out to the road to hold up signs and scream/sing "Car wash!" on the top of my lungs. It was rather fun but I definitely did get some glares and rude remarks from the clearly cranky drivers. Ahh that's what happens if you make the impression that you are a careless, naive teenager - that's just life. Must catch up on the Zzzs now.

realizations take up alot of brain power

2009-03-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

I did nothing today. Sure I ran around the boathouse two times and stretched out a bit but that was nothing. I need to always be doing something for I have so much pent up energy from sitting for hours in jail -erm I mean school. The new novices went out for their first time today and it was quite funny watching how skittish they were. It reminded me of my first time out on the river in the thin, skinny boat, I seriously thought the boat was going to drown under the weight of all 9 of us! But now the oars, the water and everything else is like a second home to me. I just love it. "And you still like crew?" my mom asks me after I come home sweaty and exhausted and list everything I accomplished. Hell yea! :D

But anyways I did nothing because I was stuck watching the newbies flap all over the place like a dying fish. It was pretty bad. I could even hear the coach yelling his head off in his launch from the other side of the river which was probably 200 feet away! I couldn't tell what he was screaming about but it was pretty funny for all of us more experienced novice rowers - we love watching people suffer (insert devilish smile face here). Then when I was so close to getting a seat on the boat, turns out I have to leave early because the mom who was bringing me home had an appointment and whatever. Coach will probably chew our heads off for leaving early on Monday. Yippie!

I've come to the conclusion that I probably am now talking more during 3 hours of crew than 8 of school. Sweet (:
I've also realized that opening up yourself to others has a long lasting affect - but it doesn't last forever, you have to keep a smile on your face and stop shutting yourself down so much.
Moving on is such a relieving feeling, even if a tiny string is still holding onto you.

(I'm having a deep moment here... haha)

I'm half asleep and my brain is exhausted from thinking too hard all day. I have a Crew Car Wash Fundraiser tomorrow at 11:30AM. There's free pizza and water fights. I am so there :)

opening up a bit

2009-03-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

I wake up at 6:00AM and catch the bus as 6:30. School ends at 2:10 so I have about 45 minutes to study and finish up some homework in the library. I catch another bus at 3:00PM for a 20 minute ride to the boathouse. I don't get home until 7:30PM. I'm in bed by 10:00PM. This is going to go on for the next two months - starting today. Hence the reason for not a lot of posting going on.

On the bus ride to the boathouse I was actually able to eavesdrop on this other guy chatting with his friend. I had to make myself not stare at him because he was probably the easiest guy to understand that I ever met.

Today we got the riggers on our boat and I was talking to and helping out a lot of the new novices. I found myself shouting out at them to switch their hand placements or to lift the boat up more and encouraging them to keep up during the run. I could understand some of them who decided to talk to me really well - and not so for the others. This one particular guy came up next to me and mumbled something that sounded like 'What's up?' so I said nothing and shrugged. When he mumbled something else, I had to ask him to repeat two times. He started to act a bit strange and walked away to stand next to someone else. I'm not fun to stand next to anyways.
I got a lot of funny moments today too - for example this one little guy was tightening up his rigger and he just spazzed out of nowhere like there was a bee in his face. He looked up at me with such a confused face that I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Then he started to blush and said "Oh I think that was just me - I thought there was dirt flying in my face or something." (I didn't see anything flying!) You had to be there (:
Well I'm exhausted and I have another busy 13 hours tomorrow... and the next day.

Swim Test: PASSED

2009-03-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm just recovering from a cold and I smell like chlorine. A bus took us took the pool and a lifeguard talked us through what we had to do. Jump in the deep end (no diving!) and swim to shallow end and back. Tread water for 10 minutes (which is quite a while!) then grab a life vest and put in on. (my stupid life vest strap folded on itself and got stuck but I managed... no worries!) Then we were done.
It wasn't that bad and I didn't have any embarrassing moments at all - whew. But (there's always a but!) afterward when we were waiting for someone late to complete their test, the varsity coach told a group of girls, including me, to go sit on the bleachers. Obedient, I climbed up and plopped myself down. A handful of girls were still standing there and the coach yelled at them "What, are you deaf?" You see I usually don't get offended by this type of stuff at all... I'm used to it. But from a coach? With an actual deaf team member?
Oh-kay then.
When he first shouted that I immediately looked at the crowd to see who would react; only two boys looked at me and raised their eye brows at each other and continued on to do what all immature guys do. I didn't really react... I was just a bit surprised!
How I wish I was still standing with that group... I could have said "Actually, I am deaf!" I would have probably paid big money to see his reaction... haha (but considering the way he acts and speaks to others - he would probably just say "So?").
And this is the same coach that does attendance. He calls us by our last names and I don't react to my last name. To Kristi I do because I'm always listening out for it's sharp tone. So when he called my last name I didn't reply (mainly because I wasn't really listening - daydreaming) and a friend snapped me out of my daydream and I shouted "Here!" right after he repeated my last name louder and in a tone that made it seem like repeating my last name was huge chore. Duudee - Have some respect would ya? And get a life.
I don't want him to be my coach when I'm a Varsity rower... ugh.

But anyways... I passed the test and no one drowned (:

why WAIT for the world to change?

2009-03-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

I saw this video on a blog and just had to repost it here. When I saw the signs that said Jews, Catholics, women, black - Now it's time for DEAF (3:07) and We still have a dream! (3:13) that really got me thinking because I honestly never thought about it that way. But I'd have to disagree with the movie... why wait for the world to change? I'd really doubt that the world will change it's point of view on the deaf community without us taking a stand. Like Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." But never less it's a great video with a valid point that should be taken to heart.

Meanwhile when I carpooled home from crew today - the radio was on and some guy was cracking up a ton of jokes. I could catch a few words here and there but not enough to comprehend any of the jokes. And when this girl that I've know for a few years who rarely laughs started to crack up hysterically, I couldn't help but laugh too (some people make the funniest face expressions when they laugh). So they were laughing about the comedian on the radio and I was laughing because they were laughing. Why that that always seem to happen with me?

a dose of courage a day

2009-03-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

For anyone curious about my blog title and address...
it's based on a poem that I wrote once.

The whispers that leave your thoughts:
to my flawed ears, are silent.
'Your tears, you shall onslaught
away from your timid eyes! Defiance,

shall be yours when through the heart
of the Devil, is your bow!',
declared the crow.
Away from my wavering psyche , it darted:

as its beak diminished away to mold my lips.
The wings mingled into arms, that stretched and prepared:
for the black shadow to merge with my frayed body; and strip
my soul away from its snare.

If you would like for me to describe this more in depth... just comment. I'm a bit lazy at the moment for crew was canceled for some reason and I'm in 100% relaxation mode. and to see if I have any readers (:
So yesterday I got to talk to coach a bit while we were trying on our uni suits (ugh) and told her that I was hard-of-hearing and a bit concerned about the swim test because I would be completely deaf once I took my implant off. She said that I should be fine as long as the lifeguard doesn't have to jump in the pool to save me (: So yea with a combo of lip-reading and following the others I should do fine. Fine meaning as I'll pass but with a lot of embarrassing moments. A lot as in A LOT - A LOT not as in a lot. You get what I mean?

falling off the clouds back into reality

2009-03-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

I just met someone new in crew today. She seemed pretty neat so I talked to her for a bit. Her voice was pretty easy to understand as long as she wasn't using her quiet voice. I did end up saying 'What?' quite a bit and when we had to go run 2 miles I'm pretty sure she saw my CI but she didn't have severe reaction that I'm used to. nice. I need to say something to people if I end up saying what? a lot...
"Ok, I'm hard-of-hearing so that's why I'm saying 'what?' a lot. I can still understand you but: 1. can you just speak a little louder? 2. can you look at me when you talk so I can read your lips a bit easier?"
I just hope I won't end up with someone screaming at me or over exaggerating their lip movements.

^^ Major pet peeves.

Oh and for the coach...
"I don't know if you know this but I'm hard-of-hearing and it's sometimes hard for me to understand you because it's really echoy in the gym so can you just make sure you look at me so I can read your lips?"

I really did need to sleep on it :)

Now it's just a matter of mustering up the courage to say something like that.
-sighs-

I'm such a chicken. But I will do it one day. one day...

Anyways! I'll tell you a funny story... I was at lunch and my friend was laughing hysterically over this video she was watching on her camera. I couldn't help but giggle. Then I just couldn't stop. So I leaned back to try to calm myself down and just fell right off the chair... the whole table was staring at me as I was gasping air in the middle of my laughter and trying to crawl back into my seat with tears welling up in my eyes. It was so funny but no one was laughing.

Pfftt... they have no sense of humor :P

nothing is impossible

2009-03-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well today I went on the quads with my dad and had a lot of fun - it was gorgeous out! I haven't been on my quad for a long time so my helmet didn't really fit me.... which was hurt my ears a lot. I wear a CI on my right side and it was being pressed into my skull - it wasn't too bad until I took my helmet off. Yeow! (look below) Everything also sounded so much more clearer after being stuck in the fishbowl :)i want to go back out! but there's this essay in my bookbag that demands to be written... and of course the neighbors would be out on their quads while I suffer :P

going beyond your boundaries

2009-03-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm awful with introductions... so crew is what I shall talk about (:
I'm part of my high school's crew team (rowing team) and I do love it. It pushes me beyond my limits and gives me more courage about myself. But it also is extremely frustrating for me. In the Fall season of 2008, I had a guy coach and he was pretty easy to lip-read and understand. It was just the way he talked. But now I have a female coach and she uses completely different terms and she has such a voice that is really hard to understand... and now I miss everything she says unless she's talking directly to me. So I miss all the announcements and what practices are canceled and all that good stuff. At least I have 3 other girls to go to when something seems important for me to know... but I do tend to annoy them a lot. Heh :) I really do have to talk to her... but I don't know what to say!
"Hey next time you tell us practice is canceled or something can you make sure I get the news?"
It sounds too weird. Don't listen to me *leaves room*
*comes back*
Ok... maybe it isn't that bad... I just need to sleep on it :D
I'm going to have to talk to her eventually because there's going to be a swim test! Apparently we have to be able to tread water for 10 minutes and be able to swim laps... which is easy stuff for me. But I have to take my Cochlear Implant out and I don't know how it's going to work out. I guess I could just follow everyone else but there's going to be a lot of embarrassing moments. Oh well, that's life for me I guess.

Anyways... yesterday in crew for some reason we only had practice for an hour (I missed what the coaches said) and so the Varsity girls did a spelling bee which was a freakin' nightmare for me. You were given a word and if you got it right everyone only had to do 10-20 crutches/push-ups or whatever. But if you got the word wrong... double! I got my first word, admirals, right after having a friend clarify what the hell the girl said. But I got octagon wrong (I spelled it octogon) which was really embarrassing. We had to do 40 crutches. I couldn't understand anything that was said! We were in a huge echoing gym which helped a lot. *sarcasm intended*

I was so close to just saying something like
"Look I'm hard-of-hearing and this gym is not making it any easier for me to understand what you are saying... so can you just say that one more time?"
But being the chicken I am... I didn't (ba-bawk!).

I really should do something like that one day though...
I reallyreallyreally should.

P.S.- these are the same girls from last year. and what happened last year was I was on the ergs (go look it up!) and I was too tired to do it the correct way so this Varsity dude comes along and looks at me and opens his mouth. Before a word leaves his mouth... a group of girls behind him snatched him away. When I looked over my shoulder I read one of the girl's whispering lips "No don't talk to her". Some pointed to their heads... indicating my Cochlear Implants. I was pretty angry. But he shrugged off the girls and continued to help me do it correctly. But he spoke in the slow, exaggerating way that I absolutely, truly, positively hate.
Poor guy thought he was talking to an idiot. But he was talking to a very pissed, deaf, exhausted and hormonal teenager - not such good combinations :D
(Another chance I had - I could have said something like "You know I can still read lips?" Damn that would have been perfect! but all i did was glare at anyone who made eye contact with me.)

Ahh... just another typical day for me.
Boo-yah.
Well I have to go... 3 different families are coming over for dinner and somehow I became the cook. -dohh-

quesadillas? here i come!